...who i really hate right now. "hate" is an evil word i should never use, but i am using it now. im tired of your toying with my emotions!!! just stop, please... though i dont know why id bother begging since you dont care anyways. i give up on trying to figure you out. i keep trying to be optimistic, but you always shoot me down.

you dont want me to talk to you ever again... at least, thats the hint ive been getting for a long, long time, so why dont you just say it?!?! stop fucking lying to me!!

i try to talk to you, but you always make it so hard. then when i finally do make contact, you act all friendly as if youre happy to hear from me and tell me how im your "best friend" in the whole wide world. it pathetically makes me feel good... then you will completely ignore me... throw me away... yet i still try and please you...

im too fucking loyal to you. i hate you for everything but i still cant turn away from you. youre the one who gave me chance and gave me so much and more than anyone else, right when i needed it... so how can i abandon you? even though you praise me, then think nothing of me when i am not around.

you are... so cruel... and you have been for years...

yet i never leave you and would be willing to die fighting for you. i both love and hate you.

Current Mood: angry

Today was the race at Daytona and it was psycho :| It started off on the slow side but the ending was so insane that I don't have the "official" results yet ;P just a hint: it was a green-white-checkered finish AND they wrecked big time before the checkered)). I doubt I got very many points, though... despite good runs from everybody besides Biffle. Wrecks plagued my team, and some of my guys got to "tango" more than once. However, I don't think my competition did that great, either, though I'm gonna bet I'll still be ranked second place in the overall fantasy standings. It is so frustrating to be second when I know I have the best drivers!! My dad's team will just float around all race and then magically finish good e_e it's so annoying.

The only good news from the race today is that Schrubby won and the closing laps were far from boring.

Maybe later I'll post my fantasy team's results but I doubt I will since they didn't do that great :|

Kyle Busch - WIN, and well-deserved. He had troubles with steering for a little there but that cleared up and he was able to make it back to the front again.
Clint Bowyer - top 10, though he didn't get much camera-time all race and mostly ran outside of the top 10.
Tony Stewart - had to get out of the car early because he was sick. Apparently, he had flu-like symptoms. JJ Yeley took over his ride and ran ok, but was in the final lap wreck.
Travis Kvapil - He had a really good run! But he also wrecked on the final lap...
Ryan Newman - stop wrecking please!! Dx
Elliott Sadler - ran really well! but damned flat tire Dx
Greg Biffle - *pain* Dx and a last place finish...

In other sports, what the HELL was up with yesterday's Marlins/Rockies game??? o.O Insanity...

Tags: fantasy racing 08, nascar

I haven't been feeling like talking to anyone all day. Someone would ask me something, anything, and I just won't have a response at all. Online, I just can't come up with anything to say as replies to messages, e-mails, forums, etc. It's just too hard today, so forget it -_-;

On DA, all I'll probably do today is thank people for faves. I'm just not up to doing anything else there today. Yeah, it's spammy, but at least I'll feel like I'm actually doing something there for once. A few of my watchers have been pissing me off anyways... they probably aren't doing it intentionally, but they are.

I have been so depressed lately ._. I have no idea why.

There are two paintings I want to finish up this weekend. One is for a contest and the other is just vent art and a response to the annoying people who have been whining at me about my violent animal art e_e I did a concept art version of it already and the blood looks soooooooo goooooooood on it. I'm going to have to redo most of it, though. I have a much better compositional idea for it since the right side of the current version is so spacious and I hate it. It's also horizontal right now... I'd like to make the final version vertical.

The contest entry pic is a painting that will be very "pretty" to balance out the cold darkness of the other one. I'm betting it'll get a much better reception, too.

It's funny, my macabre/horror art never really gets all that popular compared to everything else I do, yet I keep doing it anyways. They are always so much more quick to do than the other projects and always make me "feel" things... a lot more than when I do more benign subjects. I guess you can say that they make me feel "alive"? My favorite macabre/horror picture also happens to be the most popular of all my paintings in my gallery. That part makes me happy. It was also one of mine I listed as one of my "top 5" pics of my own from last year.

I also figured out that on DA, the mature content warning doesn't block the 18- year olds. There's a "strict" mature content label that will make the image only visible to 18+ year olds. I don't think any of my pictures are that "bad", though, so I haven't used it. My next one is certainly intense, but still probably not enough so for the "strict" mature content label. I should make a goal for myself to make something so graphic it will deserve the "strict" mature content lock.

Sometime soon I also want to do my own rendition of "The Sleep of Reason Creates Monsters". I'm not sure yet how I want to do that, though... but I might do it as something for HB since my character there seems to like Goya, too. Just like the original, I want to make it a very interpretive piece.

That's all for now, I guess.

Current Mood: depressed

Title is a song reference... and one I can't seem to stop listening to, even though it's been on my computer a while...

I only have one "depressed"-ish icon now? Hmm... this one might be over-the-top for my mood :/ but oh well, I don't have any others.

I pretty much broke down last night... thought over a lot of things and then couldn't fall asleep very fast at all. I just... lay there. I slept on it, figured some things out, though my dreams were nothing special. One story-dream stands out as the most clear, even though it was nothing special or unusual compared to what most of my dreams are like: "real life", town layout like my previous home, me not seeming to have any friends, me walking all over the place, middle/high school, a shooting...

The dreams are never the same, though... a lot of things are different each time. It's just there are some things that always seem to come back.

This time was a little fun, though... I am pretty sure I was playing the part of HB Zaku. I was a grumpy loner who had a lot of "issues" but I wasn't really such a bad person at all. Hell, even in the dream, I had an odd admiration for my art teacher and favored the art class over all the other subjects. There was even one part of the dream where I had left my things in the classroom and the teacher kept it aside for me when I returned. In general, the dream seemed to portray the female characters as "friendly" while males were annoying and even threatening. Among the more noticeable "threatening" males was the "real life" AU version of Zelos. I kept passing by him at school though never once interacted with him. Each time, though, I would keep my eye on him suspiciously as I went by. He was taller than me and likely older, then the final time I see him in the dream, he shoots me a "death glare" and then continues on his way. It was memorable... even scary. I'm not sure what that was supposed to mean...

Tags: dream
Current Mood: depressed

Why are people under the age of 18 even allowed on the internet!?!?! They are so annoying!! Forums, DA... every person who is being a total PAIN IN THE ASS happens to be under 18. They don't understand anything and are so demanding!!! UGH!! e_e Sure, there are a few cool people under the age of 18, but most seem to be completely retarded.

I have been getting fucking hate comments/notes from 18- aged people on DA about how "evil" I am for drawing animals in violent art. Yes, they will even say "I HATE YOU" for what I draw!! OMFG!! WTF!?!?! DON'T THESE KIDS HAVE A LIFE!?!?! I will put mature content labels on my more violent images but these little kids still get through. IF PEOPLE CAN'T HANDLE VIOLENCE AND BLOOD, THEN WHY DO THEY LOOK!?!?! OMFG!!! IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO JUST NOT CLICK TO DAMN VIEW!!! e_e

These people are practically daring to post MORE animal violence in my gallery, because they're assholes with no fucking life and so am I. If they want a damn war, I'll give them a damned fucking war, and they better be prepared to look completely STUPID in the process because when I'm pissed, I don't play nice and I don't play "fair".

One of these little 'bleeding-heart' animal-lover kids turned out to be 10 years old. I reported her to the mods and she should be banned by tomorrow ((it's against DA rules to be under 13 and on the site)).

I LOVE violent, graphic and bloody art! There is no way I'll ever stop because a couple of noobs to life think I'm some cold and evil person because I paint and draw dead and dying animals in pain. Hell, I have even referenced from actual dead animals to make sure I got them right in my art. Have a problem with that!?!

Several of these annoying brats seem to be Ginga fans. How can they be Ginga fans if they don't like dead animals!?!?! I was reading the manga the other night and more than half the fucking characters die!!! And they don't die pretty, either!!! Secondly, what the HELL are little kids doing reading/watching Ginga!??!! It's among the most violent anime/manga series out there and there's a lot of adult themes!!! JUST BECAUSE IT'S ANIMATED WITH TALKING DOGS DOESN'T MEAN IT'S FOR FUCKING KIDS!!! =_=

I also HATE it how kids and teenagers get all "I am just SOOOO mature!!" when they're sure as hell not :| Like wtf!?! If you can't avoid clicking on something that you know will offend you, then you're far from "mature".

The internet is the modern world's version of the "wild west". Would you want to put kids in that situation!?!

Tags: social commentary
Current Mood: grumpy

I try and believe that it's difficult to piss me off... and for most things, it's really true: no matter what is said and done relating to most things, I won't budge at all. However, there always seems to be those really "touchy" topics for me that even the slightest hint of meaning certain things will cause me to fume indefinitely.

On some level, in that sense, maybe it's good that there's few things I really care about. If I cared about any more things, then I would run myself out of energy every day be being so pissed off.

I admit, some of the things that really get me going are stupid to get upset over, but I do it anyways... mostly because I don't try and control my emotions. Going with the flow is the way it should be and trying to control my temper takes way too much energy. Besides, what good will it do to hide my discontent from those who make me angry? It would be dishonest of me to just roll over and say "I don't mind" then leave it be when deep down I am still angry at the person. The great people in history were never the ones to just "let things go". When someone crossed the line, they did something about it, for better or for worse.

Why hold back when your instincts tell you otherwise?

Tags: social commentary

tagged by Aerius on DA <3 cuz she is awesome

Current Mood: awake

why is there a McCain 2008 ad on my LJ page??? on the top... yes... right there...

:|

i do not support McCain and more likely than not, never will end up supporting McCain. hes almost as liberal as Obama.

the Republican Party disappoints me by not choosing a conservative for this election.

liberal vs extremist socialist liberal in 08!!!

i agree with those people who really do think this country is going downhill. this proves it e_e

worst two presidential candidates of all time.

even my mom wants to vote third party, and she has always been a "vote for the lesser of the two evils" person!!! thats how bad McCain and Obama are.

i hope the rest of the country grows a brain and votes third party as well.

seriously, god... e_e

Tags: election 08, politics
Current Mood: grumpy

if the whole point of life is to be "useful" to the world then i dont want to live.

why should i "give back to society" when i owe society nothing? its never done anything for me.

if the purpose of your life is decided by others, then there is no point in living.

why am i not allowed to decide my own life's purpose? why can i not decide my own "usefulness"?

theres 6 billion people on this planet. nobody will care if one selfish asshole doesnt give a shit about the rest of the world.

at least, they shouldnt care...

maybe they just force "usefulness" on others to try and make up for their own lack of "usefulness".

selfish bastards...

everyone is a selfish bastard. i dont see why they all just dont admit to it.

-------------------------------------------------

speaking of selfish bastards, that annoying senior member in my halo clan pissed me off again. i was about to come and download everything i need to play again... but saw his post where he lectured one of the applicants about how "bad" it is to hack programs and use them illegally... even though he reads manga scans online and downloads anime for free.

hypocrite.

why is it bad to use programs illegally but not bad to read manga and watch anime illegally??

its the same damned thing... you obtain something without giving the creator revenue.

watch, i bet he uses illegally hacked programs himself and hes just trying to look like the good guy to the rest of the clan by lecturing the rookie.

e_e

he forgets how well i know him.

i hate inconsistency.

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today i watched F-15's fly over the area. theres an air force base down south where they train F-15 pilots. they frequently travel to parts of the state as practice. theyre loud but... i like them, and everyone in the neighborhood seems to like them, too.

maybe theyre just a form of excitement; something different and interesting... and something that comes to you rather than you having to pay for the gas to drive to see.

i watched them from the front room window. they were flying very low and slowly, several times over the neighborhood.

Current Mood: angry

WELL

my mom wants to invest in some handguns and a shooting class for all of us and im totally supporting her on it! for a proud supporter of the Second Amendment, I feel like crap for not actually owning a gun myself ((my mom has never been comfortable with the idea of them in the house e_e though my grandpa has a bunch!! he has a handgun, and some rifles and shotguns. i love them :E)).

OKAY so if my mom used to not be comfortable about them, but now suddenly has interest in owning a few, thats something any normal person would find kind of odd, right??


by the way, buy this shirt: http://www.tshirthell.com/funny-shirts/antichrist-08-barack-obama/ spread the word!!

Tags: environmentalism, guns, politics, second ammendment